there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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