3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
