I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
