you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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