I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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