i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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