Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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