Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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