Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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