quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
