I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
