I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
