So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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