Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
