I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
