Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
