ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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