while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
