It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
