Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
