It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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