mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
