im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
