I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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