gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
