my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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