Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
