naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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