please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
