My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
