Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Your tits are I can't wait for
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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