P.S. I can't hear my feet
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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