So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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