I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
