remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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