why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
