Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
