Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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