I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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