i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
