It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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