I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
