Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
