you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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