explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
