My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
