And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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