Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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