My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
