i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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