I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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